Hair Cuts

So we did the bangs in May, and then shortly thereafter Elaina starting asking me to cut the rest of her hair. So we finally did.

At the last minute, Chloë decided she wanted a hair cut too!

I think they look so cute and sophisticated!

Norah is still working on her baby fuzz, no official haircut for her yet. But she's one now, so I need to put those pictures up at some point.

Failed Plans

People who know me know my love for a good plan. Especially my siblings. They give me a hard time about the way I ask "so guys, what's the plaaaaaan?" If something needs a plan, they'll joke about just letting me be the one to make one. Because I'm a planner. I find comfort in knowing what to expect. I like being able to anticipate what will happen, and have learned that I actually don't like huge surprises. Some friends threw a surprise party for me for my 22nd birthday, and I actually was irritated at the whole situation!

So I plan when I can, and try to adapt when I can't. Huge decisions like buying a house, having kids, and even planting a garden definitely need a plan. I know in my head that ultimately God is the One that really has The Plan, but He obviously gave me a brain for planning, so plan I shall.

I love being a mom. Some days are crazier than others, and these years of raising little ones are usually pretty crazy. Usually my daily plan consists of feeding everyone at least five times. Breakfast, Second Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner, and Bedtime Snack. Sometimes I even get other stuff done. Sometimes I even get other stuff done, but life is pretty intense right now. Chloë turned 5 in June, Elaina is 3 1/2, and Norah just turned 1 in July, and still enjoyed nursing several times a day and night. Bryan and I felt led to add one more child to the mix, but I had it all figured out that we would wait until January to get pregnant. My last pregnancy and post-partum recovery was so hard. I needed some time to mentally prepare for 8 months of the stomach flu, and whatever post-partum anxiety and depression was likely to follow.

Then I woke up one morning a couple of weeks ago, and figured I'd better take a pregnancy test. Just to be sure that drinking a beer at my brother's wedding a few days later would be fine. Bryan was about to leave for work, but I told him he should stay a couple of minutes. Just in case.

But instead of seeing one line on the test, there were two. I've taken about a hundred negative pregnancy tests, but have only ever had three positives. And this one was definitely positive. I felt my hand covering my mouth, and wondered why that's a thing. Hot tears started streaming down my cheeks, but I quickly brushed them away, hoping their absence would bring clarity to my emotions. "Babe, it's positive," I whispered to Bryan. We both almost didn't believe it. We couldn't be pregnant. Could we? Apparently we could. The tears kept coming, and I still didn't know why. Bryan hugged me. "I'm not ready," I heard myself saying. Memories of my last pregnancy flooded my mind. Not being able to get off the couch to get my girls a snack. The migraines completely flattened me. Throwing up until I needed IV fluids. My legs buckling under me from the pinched nerves in my hips. The anxiety that robbed my family of me after Norah was born. I wasn't ready to be thrown into the year that suddenly lied ahead.

Bryan knew what I meant. He remember it all too. "I'll take care of you and the girls," he said, still holding me. "Everything will be okay."

Bryan had to leave for work, and I tried to putter around to get things ready for my out-of-town siblings that were coming to stay for our brother's wedding. But my head was spinning.

When people anticipate a hurricane, they prepare. We may not have had much warning before the morning sickness hit, but I jumped into scramble mode to prepare before it did. A little deep cleaning, some extra food in the freezer and pantry, and all the laundry. Plan or no plan, I'm growing a baby, y'all!

The fact that this baby was a surprise has no bearing on her value. She (because it would seem that chances are likely) is loved and wanted, despite our inability to plan our future. Her personhood is not determined by our inability to plan her existence. She is our poppyseed sized child, and we will fight with all that we are to preserve her life.

I know some women ache for the chance to have a child. When Eve was cursed with "sorrow and conception; in pain you shall bring forth children," I know God wasn't just referring to the pain of contractions during labor. I know there are so many wonderful women that pray for the gift of pregnancy, and this isn't meant to make light of that in any way. My trials may appear insignificant to some. I'll never understand the ache that comes from years of praying for a baby. Instead, I feel an odd sense of guilt for being pregnant without trying. Tears of frustration at the unfairness have soaked my pillow. Not for any unfairness towards me, but for the empty cradles of others. God, why give me four babies when so many have none? And then I remember that every good and perfect gift is from above, and thank God for his blessings on my life, and pray again for those still waiting.

Norah's First Birthday

Norah turned one on the third! And we celebrated with Bryan's family yesterday. She's such a sweet little grown up baby.

Bangs

Elaina has been asking me for bangs, so I finally gave her some today.

And then of course Chloë decided she wanted some too.

I have very mixed feelings about it.

Cocoa in a Tea Pot

Elaina got a sweet little tea set from Mr. Dan for her birthday. She loves having little tea parties, and sometimes we get to have hot cocoa for a special treat. One morning last week, Chloë was at school and Norah was napping, and we had such an occasion.

Rest

On Monday I was stroking Norah's head while she was whimpering in her crib, fighting sleep, when my dad came over from next door. He brought over a little plate with eggs that had just been cooked with caramelized onions and spinach, and brie melted on top. "Here, you eat these, I'll be with Norah," he whispered. It was almost 11 AM, and I hadn't eaten a thing since last night. I gladly took the eggs to the table, and slowly enjoyed my little breakfast. I could hear Papa lifting Norah out of the crib, and her fussing stopped. When my eggs were gone, and I quickly took a much-needed shower, and then peeked into the girls' room. Two of my favorite people were asleep, likely rocked there by each other's breath and beating heart. Norah was finally content and quiet, except for her gentle snoring.

Napping

Tree Down

Photo by Chloë. Yes, the tree fell on me. So thankful for so many things: humor, safety, and cell phones. I just hung out like this for a few minutes waiting for my knight in shining armor to rush home from work.

My Girls

Two Months Old

Norah will be two months old tomorrow, and I tell you what, it sure has gone fast. I've been snapping pictures here and there, mostly with my phone. I don't want her first months of life slip by without some documentation, but the extremely thorough posts I used to write are quite time consuming. I love sitting down and writing about every sweet detail of my baby's existence, but I am learning that it is quite difficult to sit down for more than a couple of minutes at a time. So here are some sweet pictures of Norah from August.

These best first few pictures are from when she was just about a month old.  It's amazing how quickly babies change at this age. 

She stared intentionally smiling, and goodness I think it's adorable.

Her big sisters absolutely adore her.  Chloë's booster seat is next to Norah's car seat, and any time we're in the car, she asks if she may hold Norah's hand.  Both Chloë and Elaina frequently ask to hold her, and are constantly touching or kissing or stroking her.



I'm guessing she's average height and weight.  She eats well, sleeps well (we love the five hour chunk of sleep at night!), and recently waited nine days between poopy diapers.  Let's just say her Papa needed a full wardrobe change.  She usually has a pretty laid back personality, and is just so sweet and snuggly.  We sure do love our little Norah girl.